One time I had a job at a rest home. I lasted one day. The owner's daughter asked me why I quit and I replied, "There were too many people there." She looked at me like I was crazy. I should have just lied and said, "It just wasn't right for me." But most of the time I never think of lying. My craziness just jumps out at everyone.
My cousin took hubby and me to a movie one time and was going to sit in the middle of the theater. I said, "I have to sit on the end, Lance. I have to be able to make a quick escape." I couldn't think of a good lie as to why I have to sit at the end of the row. One more thing for Lance to scratch his head over.
Today, I went to get my hair cut. I was feeling sad, thinking deep thoughts about life and some solutions to problems. As I walked to the chair at the hair cutters, my hairdresser asked, "So, how's your day going?" My mind was so full I blurted out, "Well, I won't lie, things aren't so good."
Then she was washing my hair and asked, "So how was your summer? Did you do anything?" I thought of my grandson, who died this summer and couldn't think of anything but that. I said, "No, I didn't do anything." Silence.
She gave up trying to talk to me and was cutting my hair when I thought, "You know what Belle? She is just going to think you are a nut and also a grump if you don't talk to her." So, I told her about Craig and began to cry, right there at the hairdressers. Holy crap, I shouldn't even be let outside the house.
Of course she was very kind and told me about a friend of hers who had died that year of Crohn's disease. We comforted each other. At least she doesn't think I'm crazy or grumpy, just sad, which is far better. I like her and want to keep going to her. She is the sweetest hairdresser I've ever had. She looks like Snow White. I just love her.
Sometimes months will go by and I've stayed home a lot and feel really good and I think, "You know, maybe I could get a job. I've been feeling pretty normal. Maybe I could get out there in the big world. Then I say something crazy to someone, feel horrible and realize my therapist was right when she said, "Never, ever look for a job again." Maybe in four years, by the time I'm 65 and on old age pension, I'll actually, finally, and seriously believe she was right.