Walmart Has the Uglies.

My daughters and I went to Walmart today. Christine had to buy a bed comforter right away since her husband said when they woke up this morning, "You have to buy us a new blanket." Christine said, "We do have a blanket on." He answered, "Yes, I know that, but how old is it?"

Christine looked at it and saw that it was covered in faded Winnie the Poohs. Her youngest child is 13, so the blanket was pretty old and had become thin. Also, it wasn't made for a Queen sized bed.


"And for Pete's sake get me some pillows," her hubby went on. "You have pillows," said Christine. "They are pancakes not pillows! I can't live like this any more," he yelled. (not in anger - but frustration) You see, the kids have snagged all the good blankets and pillows.

So, off we go (quickly) to Walmart to buy a quilted blanket and some pillows, "...before his head explodes," Christine said.

We march to the bedding and check out the quilts. I kid you not, they were the ugliest things I had ever seen. The ones that cost $100 were okay, but the cheaper ones were hideous. I kept saying, "These are so ugly." Christine told me to shut up as a woman was standing beside us trying to decide which one to buy.

As I looked at the blankets, my first question was this: Who in hell designed this fabric? A demented hippie living in a cave? Or maybe someone who is paid 10 cents an hour and decided to pay us westerners back by mixing brown, orange and blue swirls on a pink background.

Then I wondered, "Who is the buyer for Walmart?" Does Walmart tell her, "It doesn't matter what they look like. Our customers are poor. They'll buy anything."

Well, it is true. We will buy anything, not just because we are not rich, but we are all too tired-out from raising children to go to another store. Christine finally found a plain black quilt and threw it in the cart. She already has a duvet to put on the bed to make it look pretty (which she does about once a year, I mean who's going to look at it - the dog?), so she said she doesn't care.

While I am thinking these important thoughts, I hear the theme music from Star Wars; my cell phone is ringing. I see it is Sandy, who had left us a while ago, and I say, "We're in the pillow section now."

"That's nice," she replied. "I'm in a bathroom stall that has no toilet paper." So, off I go to take care of that little problem. We then went and grabbed some pillows and left the store.

Well, after all that drama, we headed for something we really enjoy buying: Cokes and Supreme Bean Burritos at Taco Time. We may not shop at expensive stores, but we know how to eat well.

How to Know You are a Grandparent of 5.

1. You start calling your husband a poo-poo head instead of asshole.

2. You know all the songs to all the Disney movies.

3. You know all the cashiers at Toys R' Us.

4. Your daughter says to you, "I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you."

5. You hear through the grapevine that your daughters are known as, "MILFS".

6. You have 4,000 photos on your computer.

7. You have listened to Eminem in the car.

8. You can't find your scissors, tape, hairbrush, etc.

9. You are broke.

10. There are five more people to worry about and your brain feels crowded.